There are many reasons to create a loving or affectionate relationship. Of course, it helps if two people have some similarities about how they should like to spend their time. It helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, around politics, environment, abortion and personal growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food. It makes things easier when both are neat or both are messy, if people are on time or both are late. Physical attraction also became quite important. If they have a common value around money and spending, it becomes a great thing.
Yet a couple can have all of this and still not have a loving relationship if one element is missing. All the other great features except this essential element will not be enough to make the relationship work.
This essential element is about purpose
At any given moment, each of us is dedicated to just one of two different purposes: to control or to learn. When our purpose is controlled, our deepest motivation is to receive love, to avoid pain, and to feel safe. When our purpose is to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn to love ourselves and others.
The motivation to fall in love rather than to be loving can lead to disaster in the relationship.
Let's look at the subject of a general relationship and see what happens about two different purposes. Romeo and Juliet are feeling emotionally distant from each other and they haven't been in love in a month. The problem started when Juliet said she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Romeo objected. Juliet gets angry, Romeo gets frustrated and they've been away from each other ever since. Juliet's purpose was to control what she wanted. He is the equivalent of an expensive vacation with love - if Romeo does it for him, he proves his love for her. He used his anger as a way to control what he wanted. He wants control over what makes Romeo feel special.
Romeo's purpose is to avoid pain. He let himself be controlled by not being angry at Juliet. He hopes that with what Juliet wants, he will see her as a good and loving husband.
However, their interaction created a sensitive distance as both Romeo and Juliet were trying to control each other instead of loving themselves and each other.
What would it look like if they had to learn the purpose?
If Juliet's intention was to learn, she would not be angry. Instead, he wanted to understand Romeo's objections. If Romeo had known the purpose, he would not have given himself up. Instead he wanted to understand why this special holiday was so important to Juliet. Juliet and Romeo both took care of themselves and each other rather than to fall in love or avoid pain. In their mutual exploration of why everyone felt like them, they learned about themselves and about each other - what they needed to learn to reach a winning resolution. Juliet clearly won and instead of Romeo Herrera they came up with something that they could both have. With some research into his financial fears, Romeo probably decided that the vacation Juliet wanted would be okay. Realizing Romeo's financial worries, Juliet decided to take a less expensive vacation. In both cases there is a complete digestive tract.
It is not how much Romeo and Juliet have in common or are attracted to each other, their love will diminish when their purpose is controlled rather than learned. It's amazing how quickly love disappears when one or both partners have the intent to control. Equally amazing is how quickly it comes back if both partners have a desire to learn. The biggest thing is to understand both of them.
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