What is the secret of a Successful Marriage? This is one question that came to mind while attending the 50th Wedding Anniversary of a far-off relative.
In the recent past, one of the famous personalities, Prince Philip, who passed away at the age of 98, was married to Queen Elizabeth for nearly 75 Years. These and many such examples still provide the faith and trust in the institution called Marriage.
In India, particularly, as a part of a tradition, marriages have always been extravagant affairs. Generally, marriages in India are solemnized under “auspicious” stars, where the horoscopes of both the prospective partners are matched to perfection to ensure a long and successful marriage.
They are typically arranged, generally within the same caste, community, social standing, etc. A large number of them are successful, yet a few of them are not so.
What is it that makes a marriage work and what doesn't?
There is no standard for a marriage like an index on the Stock Exchange. Since marriage is a life-long commitment, like they say, till death do us part, it needs a lifelong level of maintenance and commitment from both the partners.
Humans are born to be different, not only the gender but also within the sexes the men and women are different. In the same manner, so are two people who get admitted into the institution called Marriage.
They seek different satisfactions, strive to achieve different goals, and have different individual thoughts, beliefs, and actions. Yet they have a common goal.
In the international bestseller, "Think and Grow Rich", the author Napoleon Hill, mentions the concept of a "Mastermind Alliance", which is necessary for success in any organization. This Mastermind Alliance in life is the biggest since Marriage is an everlasting University and an institution in itself.
Other's opinions for a marriage to be successful may or may not be true. They cannot judge their own merits in the case, how can they do so for others?
E.g.: In a close-knit community, a newly married couple takes pride in organizing and attending social functions and is always the face of the or the hour in organizing any social event in the community.
The partners are seen together on all social occasions and events, looking happy and cheerful. Therefore others in the community look upon them as ideal role models and emulate them, considering their marriage to be a successful one. Whereas in reality, it may not be the case.
On the other hand, in another community, a newly married couple, rarely attend social functions and gatherings, or if they attend, only one partner attends and the other is missing, The reality being that both the partners are working doctors and are more committed to their patients rather than attending community and social functions.
The others in the community immediately jump to conclusions that something is wrong with the marriage. Neither of them is true, as others are not in a position to judge whether the individual marriage is a success or a failure.
If the couple who are married, are happy with themselves, then the marriage is a success. What others think of, is of no consequence to the marriage.
Role of Intrinsic & Utilitarian Values in the Institution of Marriage.
Intrinsic Values are those values that lay at the foundation of the Marriage or are necessary for the Marriage to be successful.
Take the case of a building where the foundation is not strong. It will start collapsing sooner or later. The foundation is made up of iron and steel and bricks, cement, etc bound together.
In the same manner, Intrinsic Values like Intimacy between the Partners, Open Communication, Trust in each other, Honesty, Faith, etc are of vital importance, in the starting years of the relationship. The stronger the Intrinsic Values, the more successful and long-lasting the Marriage is going to be.
Utilitarian Values are replaced by Intrinsic Values once the Marriage reaches the later stages. These values like deciding to have children, bringing up the children together, both partners essaying each other’s roles, staying together as a family, setting up a home, etc. are of more importance than the Intrinsic Values.
Again, it cannot be said that Marriages are successful based exclusively on Intrinsic or Utilitarian Values alone. Both tend to overlap each other. An Intrinsic Marriage at the start shifts to being Utilitarian once the family expands. It is a constant process and the values keep interchanging. They are not fixed.
Beware of the Marriage Of Convenience.
When any of the Intrinsic Values start breaking down, it is a warning sign that the Marriage is headed towards being a Marriage of Convenience. This is one of the warning signs that the partners must always look out for.
In a Marriage of Convenience. life becomes passive, boring, and drudgery. The partners somehow move through life. They continue to be emotionally divorced. The so-called house converts into a hotel, where the partners live as paying guests, with no concern for the other. They act as if they are strangers, sometimes not even sharing the common bed, where once upon a time they spent lovely nights together in each other's arms!!
Intrinsic Values are mostly damaged in case either of the partners is separated from each other for long periods of time, spending more and more time out of the house, either on business or on a job abroad.
Intrinsic Values may be damaged at times where either spouse has a clash of egos and move from being focused on Family Values to Material Values.
In any marriage, the individuality of the couple is used as a challenge for adjustment. The more that they adjust to each other's personality, the stronger their Intrinsic Values are. Thus they are striving for happiness. Unconditional Love and respect for each other, in this type of marriage, is not a pre-requisite but a by-product of living together as a family.
There are many factors in the day-to-day lives of the partners that cause happiness or unhappiness in marriage. It is the individual Problem Management Skills of the partner that come into play here. Happiness or Unhappiness is ultimately a state of Mind. The partner who accepts this and moves on inspires the other to do so.
Similarly, emotional problems between the spouses, which if not addressed at the earliest, cause a deeper rift in the relationship. Either of the partners becomes emotionally imbalanced and the consequences are excessive drinking, extramarital affairs, physical abuse, and the like which end up in a divorce.
The perfect marriage or the fairy tale marriage is a myth. There is no such thing as a Perfect Marriage. Either the marriage is succeeding or not succeeding. Conflict in a marriage, whether successful or not, is inevitable, just as a crisis in a Government, which is inevitable.
The emotional maturity level of the couples determines how they can deal with the conflicts. Therefore the stronger the Intrinsic Values the higher is going to be the emotional maturity levels.
If the areas of conflict are increasing, the world of understanding between the couples keeps shrinking. On the other hand, if conflicts go on shrinking, mutual harmony, affection, love, intimacy, and respect between the partners go on increasing, which is an asset for the new generation growing up in the family.
The true test of a successful marriage is whether it is contributing to the individual development of the partners in terms of skills, understanding, mental and emotional health, etc. A successful marriage increases individual longevity also as it causes lesser health issues among the partners.
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